You got served...thought leadership
Management cautions against participation in unsanctioned thought leadership battles
Tab Johnson saw a circle forming out of the corner of his eye, tucked away in the back of the sprawling North by Southeast (NXSE) conference.
That meant only one thing: a thought battle.
Thought battles were a chance to demonstrate thought leadership skills to your peers; a way to elevate status in the community. Dropping a single disruptive thought leadership insight could catapult your career. Book deals. Thousands of new signups to your community. New products and partnerships.
Thought battles were also dangerous. Scrappy young thought leaders on the receiving end of these thoughts were wrecked. One burgeoning thought leader found himself in intensive care after a particularly vicious battle. The doctors struggled to repair all the burns.
Not only were your health and well-being threatened, but your very standing in the thought leadership community was at stake.
Tab thought back to Scuzz, who had shown so much promise. Scuzz had filmed a funeral for the tickets which had languished in the backlog for more than six months. There were flowers, candles, and teammates sobbing for the tickets that never saw the light of day. At the end of it all, his team threw printouts of backlogged tickets into a hole and buried them with dirt. That single incident generated three months of content, each post blowing more minds than the last. By the end of it, his followers braced their heads before looking at the newest post, fearful that the next insight might actually make their heads explode.
Scuzz’s head, on the other hand, grew larger from all the success.
One day, he challenged Master Ip to a thought leadership battle. Master Ip dazzled the crowds and dropped some devastating thought leadership, sending Scuzz flying onto his ass. Scuzz lost thousands of followers in a single day. The other thought leaders never took him seriously again.
Tab blinked, snapping out of the memory.
All the big players were in the thought battle circle. There was Jessica Jjjj, whose gratuitous Js were only matched by the blast radius of her thought leadership bombs. Then you had Master Ip, defeater of Scuzz, who’d unleash a toprock as you’d never seen. Sure, this was a thought leadership battle, and the breakdancing raised a few eyebrows, but Master Ip had skills. The janitors moved through the crowd and swept up wayward eyebrows.
Tab knew what he wanted to do. He had trained his whole life for this moment. He was only going to have one chance. He didn’t want this moment to slip away.
Tab grabbed the mic from Empowered Ed, who was mid-sentence, then looked into the eyes of every face in the crowd, not saying a single word, and dropped the mic. The mic shattered on the ground, sending shards of plastic and metal everywhere, creating feedback that brought everything to a halt.
Then there was silence.
Tab looked at everybody in the room with the intensity of an elder thought leader.
A woman started clapping slowly, each clap shaking the conference hall. There must have been a mic on her sleeve.
Then a man started clapping with her.
A few more joined them as the tempo of the clapping increased to a thundering applause. People started hooting and hollering. Jessica Jjjj wiped a tear from her cheek.
Tab’s brain pulsed with the energy of the room.
This is why he did what he did.
He thought leadership-ed hard and didn’t take any names.
Later, after all the high-fives, follows, likes, and job offers, Tab took a moment to collect his thoughts in the alley. The battle had depleted him, so he was scrolling through all sorts of thought leadership content. He needed to consume enough to replenish his reserves. It had rained, and the streets smelled of mildew and garbage.
An apparition of his late mentor, Trent McDagger, materialized by Tab’s side, startling him.
“Hello, Tab,” the apparition of Trent McDagger said.
“I-I-I thought you were dead,” Tab stammered.
Trent smiled. “You were always a natural at thought.”
“And now I lead them,” Tab beamed.
“You sure do.”
“Did you see what I did there? It was —”
“Don’t forget, Tab. Thoughtlead... Don’t lead the thoughts,” Trent interrupted as he evaporated from existence.
“Wait, I need to know more. How do I get more followers? What about my engagement strategy?”
“Always remember to thoughtlead,” Trent echoed into the distance.
“Shit,” Tab muttered.
***
Tab’s bold move didn’t go unnoticed by the East Side Thought Disrupters. They had watched silently as he dropped the mic in front of everybody. But they weren’t going to let that serious disrespect slide.
Iggy Knight, the leader of the crew, drove a Tesla Model X. The crew’s best thought leader, Can Haz, rode shotgun. Both donned AllBirds and premium Supreme hoodies. They crept about 20 feet behind Tab as he walked to his hotel.
The streets were dim and dark. The perfect place for bad things to happen, both because it was too dark to see what was happening, and also because the streets wouldn’t understand it, because they were dim.
Tab had AirPods in, so he couldn’t hear anything coming. Probably listening to some real avant-garde thought leadership. You wouldn’t have heard of it. Thought leadership bombs so out of left field you won’t even know where you are, floating in the void, with the rest of the detritus. The void, which, as you know, is filled with nothingness as far as the eyes can see. Or can’t see. Whatever.
Iggy Knight and Can Haz leered at Tab. They sped up until they were driving on his side. Iggy followed Tab’s social media page, triggering a sound on Tab’s phone.
Tab looked down at his phone and saw a “new follower” notification. He looked around, alarmed, and saw their car. He tried to play it cool. “Hey”.
“Hey,” Iggy and Can said in response, before they reached into their pockets.
Tab cowered, expecting the worst.
“Never walk alone,” they yelled, “Walking alone squanders an opportunity to increase your network, followers, and impact.” Iggy and Can sped off.
Tab’s right hand grasped his chest.
He looked down.
A circle of blood expanded across his shirt. Then he gurgled up a bunch of white foam from his mouth. He fell to his knees and pulled out his phone. His last chance for survival. He clicked the record button.
His face grimaced with pain. “This will be my final post.” He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts before correcting himself, “This is my final post.
“To all you loyal followers. Thanks for tuning in. Your engagement drives my engagement. I couldn’t cultivate and harvest the vast quantity of thought leadership without your help.” Tab slumped to the floor. “Please like and share this video,” Tab croaked as he sputtered up some blood, then some white foam, and then some more blood, and died.
A moment later, Tab’s phone chimed with a notification. Iggy Knight liked his post.